REACHING, DESPERATELY REACHING

My friend and hero, who for the sake of this post I will call "Anna" is a single mom of four kids. Technically, she's a foster parent, but her and her children are as much of a family unit as a family with blood ties. God placed those four kids in her home for a reason, and they have blossomed under her care and investment.

This past Friday, VACFSS had more children than they had placements for. They had babies with no bottles, no diapers and no homes. They had school-aged children that they thought they were going to have to take home themselves (not a very good option as social workers typically do not have children themselves and so would not be set up to have kids in their homes) and so they called Anna in desperation, asking her to take two kids for the long weekend. She said that she would but she didn't have beds for them to sleep in. They were so desperate for placements that they bought her a bunk bed. Later that evening two children were dropped off at her doorstep by an after-hours social worker who had never met the children prior to delivering them to Anna. She didn't know their last names, didn't know why they were in care, didn't know anything about them at all. This meant that Anna didn't know anything about them at all either.

These kids, who I will call "Jordan" and "Ashlee" are sweet children. But what I see in their stoic faces is devastating. In Jordan's face, I see calculated mistrust. I see disappointment that you and I can hardly fathom. I see crushing insecurity and an overwhelming desire for stability. Ashlee is desperate for approval. She is desperate for someone to say "you're amazing!" her eyes pleade : "love me."

Anna can't keep these kids. They don't "fit" with her kids. Jordan and Ashlee will be transfered to another foster home in the next few days. At first, I thought: at least these kids get to be in a good, loving, safe home for the weekend. A bit of oasis and respite in their helpless tumble through the foster care system.

But after thinking about it I came to realize it's actually terrible. The reality of their life is that in all likelihood they will be shunted from foster home to foster home, back to dad for bit perhaps, and then back into a foster home and the cycle will repeat until they "age out" and the government no longer has to take responsibility for them when shit hits the fan. When this is all you know, yes it's bad, but it's just what you know. But when you see stability, love - a true family created out of a foster care situation, and you get dropped into it, and then whisked away, it has to be worse. To taste, to see the possibility but never to have. How desperate a life.
I cried all the way home from Anna's house tonight. I'm struggling to see where God is in this situation. I'm so angry that these kids are getting so shafted.

God's Word says that he is "a father to the fatherless, a defender of widows" He says that he places the lonely in families. But there is a physical reality here: There is no family for Jordan and Ashlee. I know that the ministry does not remove children lightly and so their life must have been pretty shitty that they had to be apprehended in the middle of the night. Ashlee told me that this is not the first time she's been in foster care. And from what I gathered from our conversation later, it isn't even the second or third time. These kids have been through the system.

Where is the forever family for Jordan and Ashlee? Where is the stability, the unconditional love and acceptance, the constant parenting that they need to flourish? At this moment, I can barely see the screen for the tears and all I am so angry. All I can say is " You made a promise God. Time to pony up on that." My heart aches to take them in, to give them the stability and permanency that they so need. But I can't.

So I'm left with my tears and frustration. I'm left yelling at God for the wrongness of this.

I wish I could tie this post up with a nice bow of a lesson learned, a platitude or some glorious epiphany. But I have nothing but tears and a fragment of a song running through my head:

I guess I shouldn't think it odd
Until we see the face of God
The yearning deep within tells us
There's more to come
So when we taste of the divine
It leaves us hungry every time
For one more taste of what awaits
When Heaven's gates are reached


We are reaching for the future
We are reaching for the past
No matter what we have we reach for more
We are desperate to discover
What is just beyond our grasp
But maybe that's what heaven is for
(from "Reaching" by Carolyn Arends)

There is a longing inside of me for more. I am convinced that it is a longing that is in each of us. It's built into us like DNA - a longing for there to be right in the world. A longing for wholeness and unconditional love and acceptance. I will never be satisfied. It is not meant to be. It can only be satisfied by God and we live in a fallen world and life will always be full of brokenness. That's what heaven is for - for wholeness. But until then - it sucks a lot. And it sucks the most for Ashlee and Jordan.

At the very bottom of this blog is a quote from Bob Pierce that says "Let my heart be broken with the things that break the heart of God." In my anger and frustration tonight, that is all I have. My heart is broken with the things that break the heart of God. He hates this shit more than I do.

I'm going to go now. To cry and pray. Maybe somewhere in the mess I'll find some faith. Faith that there is an Anna out there for Jordan and Ashlee.

THE FIRST REAL BEACH DAY!

Oh the sun! The beautiful sun! I almost forgot that it existed, but yesterday she shone in all her glory. The humidex of 32 was not as glorious but it was a beautiful day none the less.

Corwyn is not a big fan of getting the sun in his eyes, yesterday we picked him up a pair of Baby Banz. After the initial trauma of having something stuck to his face wore off, he seems to quite enjoy them. We can't get over how cheesy and cute he looks. He was very stylin yesterday in his camo pants and vintage ET t-shirt that was mine when I was little (uh oh, we've turned into those parents who deck their kids out in ridiculously trendy duds)

Here's the boys in their shades. Chris is sporting his sick trucker hat and shades. All these boys need to complete their white trash-ness is a couple of cold ones and a monster tuck show.

After meandering along West 4th to do some shopping I found a sweet hoodie at Lotus Wear. For those of you who noticed that Lululemon's quality took a nosedive since they started outsourcing offshore, you'll want to check out Lotus Wear - they are a Vancouver company that actually makes their stuff in Vancouver - and it's good stuff! After our errands were complete we went and had a latte at the very best coffee shop in Vancouver (seriously, the best latte you'll ever have. And their cups are all the most beautiful blue - even the paper ones! Making your beverage not only delectable to drink but also delightful to look at) Once our lattes were consumed, we headed down to the beach to catch a cool breeze and have a sushi picnic.

I hope you enjoy this short film which demonstrates the way that we enjoy ourselves at our son's expense.

I'll leave you with a bunch of photos of our very photogenic son.

Have I mentioned before that I love breastfeeding?

MY HUSBAND IS SUCH A WEIRDO

As I have mentioned before, we have satellite radio.  It is awesome.  There is a channel that only plays music from movies, along with short dialogue clips from the movie.  Yesterday, the Karate Kid was playing.  My husband loves this movie.  He got really excited.  Then he got inspired and expressive.  This short movie documented what happened.

HERE'S THE POST I STARTED ON MOTHER'S DAY BUT GOT TOO TIRED TO FINISH SO IT'S SHORT

I have been a mother for one hundred and nine days.  There are moments when it feels like forever and moments when it feels like only seconds.  Today, I celebrated being a mother.

( It was like my birthday, but better. I got the fantastic gift of  3 hours at Spa Utopia. And I got to eat all my favourite foods)

A SERIES OF FIRSTS

It's been a week of firsts!

Today, Corwyn rolled all the way over from his tummy to his back for the very first time. I think it was completely by accident as he's yet to repeat the feat, although I keep putting him on his tummy until he gets mad at me. Maybe tomorrow.

We also put him in the Jolly Jumper for the first time. He quite likes it. If you care to, you can view this little video. I always forget that the camera does not flip the footage to the right way like it does with still images, so you'll get to see it sidways. Sorry!

If the above two firsts don't blow your mind, this will definitely prove my son's brilliance: this week he figured out how to grab toys and . . . .drum roll please. . . .put them in his mouth. It was quite cool actually, one day he just looked at stuff. Then I saw the light-bulb go on in his head and he decided to try and reach for the little dangly thing on his baby chair. He tried very hard but was unsuccessful for two days. On the third day, I saw him meet success. He immediately combined this new skill with the one acquired the week before, which was to put his hands in his mouth.

In that moment, there was another first, this one was for me: I experienced my first welling up of motherly pride as I gushed "Oh Corwyn, you're so SMART! Look at you put your toy in your mouth!"

Corwyn met his Auntie Margo for the first time. Margo is my second mother. I've known her my entire life and I love her dearly.

A not fun first this week was Corwyn's first stuffy nose/cold.  I passed it on to him, but thanks to my superpower (I make milk!) he's recovered quickly and other than being tired and a bit droopy, he didn't really seem to mind.  I kind of liked him being sick - he was so cuddly! He just wanted to sit with his head on my chest, which is not typical for him, he wants to looking out at the world and prefers to be supported in a standing position rather than sitting.

It's been a busy week of newness for my baby boy!

TOTALLY ADDICTED

Ohhhh I'm excited! Today I ordered a BabyHawk. Those of you who see me often are familiar with my babywearing habits...Corwyn is frequently slinged or Cuddlywrapped on either Chris or I. Although we love our stroller, Chris and I are firm believers in the benefits of "babywearing" and we have a well-loved ring sling and an often-used Cuddly Wrap.

See how handy it is to have your kid in a sling? You can easily eat a delicious donair, which is a decidedly two-handed food.

Corwyn is now nearing the 15 lb mark and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to wear him in the sling for extended periods of time. It's too much weight on one shoulder. Our other carrier is a Cuddly Wrap and as much as I love it, the fact is that it's black and is going to be really hot to wear in the summer, and not practical for whipping him in and out of quickly, so we were in the market for another alternative.

So, after trying many different carriers at the Babywearing Conference a couple of weeks ago, we fell in love with the BabyHawk. It just took me a really long time to decide what fabric I wanted. There are a lot of options!

I love wearing Corwyn. I like to have him close to me, it makes him happy and content, we can breastfeed on the go, I have both hands free, and he takes naps. Whenever we wear him when we go out, do we ever get comments. People act like they've never seen a baby in a sling before. I guess many people haven't. There's strollers everywhere and the whole world seems to enjoy carrying their infants in those damned annoying car seats (so heavy, so awkward!) but it seems like in our neighborhood the Bugaboo Frogs abound, but not so many baby slings. Hey, we're raging hippies at heart, what can I say?

Actually, there's another reason why I am intentional about wearing Corwyn so much in public. Remember I blogged about my megaphone a while back? Well, babywearing is another tool in my toolbox. . .another way for me to get out my megaphone and say "It's the best thing in the world to carry your baby. Gary Ezzo and his Babywise stuff is out to lunch. (oh, did I say that outloud?) Breastfeed on demand. Co-sleep. Trust your instincts." It's another way for me start conversations, to educate women. When my friends start having babies, they'll remember how cool they thought the Cuddly Wrap was, they'll rememer how fun it was when they tried it out. They'll remember how handy the sling looked when I was carrying a whole bunch of stuff and a baby. When I talk to strangers on the bus, or in the grocery store, I can tell them that's it's comfortable, that babies held in slings cry less and sleep better, that they're not new - most of the world has been using them for thousands of years. And in the middle of these conversations, I get to be close to my baby. Win-Win!

Please enjoy this picture of Chris being all like homee g thug saying "what's up yo this is just me and my kid being all chill in the westside hood." (Actually, it's just really hard to take a picture of Chris where he doesn't look drunk or stoned he tries not to, but it often turns out looking something like this. Also, he is not intentionally making the "Westside" gang sign with his fingers, that is really, truly coincidence.)

Please note that although these two pictures are both at the beach, it was on two separate occasions. Also, we don't only wear the sling at the beach. It's just the only place it occurs to me to take pictures, and so the only pictures I had of us wearing Corwyn. I should also confess that these two pictures mark the only two times in the past year that we have gone to the beach. Even though it is only 10 minutes from our house. This fact makes me feel like an idiot.

Anyways, lets move on from the addiction of babywearing to the far less noble addiction to the boob tube. Although I may defend my love of Grey's Anatomy to Chris by standing by its classification as a "drama", deep down inside I know that it is really just a soap opera with better sets, lighting and script writers, but I really, really love it. Thursdays has been a bad day for us, I never seem to be home, or organized enough to set the VCR to tape it. So I've been sadly missing it. Then I discovered that the CTV website has full episodes. Well. That kept me up until 1 am the other night. Oops.

Also on the topic of television, I am finally free of daytime TV. I don't turn on the TV just to watch TV during the day, but when I sit down to feed Corwyn, it is regularly at about 1 pm, and another soap opera disguised as a "drama" is on every day at Much Music...they air an episode of the O.C. I know it's terrible. But I love it. Seth Cohen. . . oh-so-funny. So I've been working my way through all the seasons. And it finished this week. So I'm done. Daytime television officially over. I now listen to our satellite* radio (we have over 100 channels of music for crying out loud) and I'm going to start reading again. Once I pay off my library fines. I would like you to take note of the fact that I made sure Seth's (I don't actually know the actor's real name) picture was small enough that I wouldn't look like some lame teen crush fansite. Because I'm not, he's just really funny and a girl needs to laugh. Especially one who is still on the postpartum hormonal roller coaster.

*I spelled satellite really wrong when I typed it and my spell checker auto-corrected it to "Israelite". This made me laugh.

SAY IT LIKE IT IS MIKE

All levels of government needed on land claims
(Vancouver Sun, May 2, 2008)

The Greater Vancouver Regional District's choice to pursue legal action on the Musqueam land deal is a colossal waste of taxpayers' money and is a recipe for another 100 years without reconciliation of aboriginal rights.

In the case of the regional park, the province will not be compensating GVRD. These lands were originally granted to the GVRD by the province for $1 in 1989. In response to related litigation by the Mus-queam at the time, the GVRD signed an affidavit explicitly agreeing to accept title to that land without prejudice to Musqueam aboriginal claims. With respect to the area adjacent to the University Golf Course, there is no net loss of park land. The overall reduction to the regional park in question is approximately two per cent.

The courts have repeatedly told the province that government must consult and, if necessary, accommodate the interests of first nations on decisions that affect their aboriginal rights.

As a government, we have taken this advice and sought out solutions at the negotiating table instead of the courtroom. The agreement with the Musqueam is the product of such negotiations.

On the issue of solid waste management, any suggestion that the province blocked the Ashcroft landfill is patently false. The province alerted the GVRD of the obligation of the Crown to consult with local first nations. If the GVRD abandoned the process, it alone is responsible for the decision.

If we are to succeed further in creating a new relationship and closing the social and economic gaps between aboriginal and non-aboriginal citizens, the involvement and cooperation of all levels of government will be needed.

- MICHAEL DE JONG

B.C. minister of aboriginal relations and reconciliation

Dear City of Vancouver:

When the Pacific Spirit Park was established, you clearly understood that there were pending land claims and that those came first and foremost. You even signed a legal document stating your understanding. You got the park for one dollar. The land in question is less than 2% of the park. This means that if you were entitled to finacial compensation (which you aren't) it shouldn't exceed two cents. There's lots of actually useful things that you could do with your taxpayers money...feed and shelter the homeless, give funding to our under-funded hospitals or schools. Instead, you're throwing money down the drain to sue the government for land they gave you conditionally for a dollar. Please stop being an idiot and start contributing to the solution rather than perpetuating disfunctional relationships with First Nations.

- Avital